➜ In the era of big boxes, a day for the little guy

I made my move from illustration to fine art drawing and painting. I feel nervous, a little bit like throwing up, and I’m afraid. What have I done? I find myself questioning why? why? I think of my parents, my future, myself. Am I really brave enough. Can I believe in myself. I can’t think about anything else. I can’t get myself to do anything. I wish I lived in a dream. Lord help me please.

Classes resume monday.

I don’t know how to feel about it. I know how I feel about it but how should I be feeling. I haven’t done anything to amp up my portfolio. I thought I should force myself to or at least pull one out on the top of my head but I’ve made no move. That what I regret most about it. Not that I didn’t succeed but that I didn’t try. At this point I don’t know if it’s fair for me to keep going like this, hoping everything will fall into place.

But my daddy cleaned houses and now he fixes them. Sometimes things fall right where they are.

I feel nervous about trying to pick up another record book again. I’ve made twelve and six of them never felt to me like a friend. Even the other six I did manage to fill, were never completely on good terms with me. But they are only objects, I can’t blame them. I blame my weak conscience instead.

➜ The Birth of the Horror Film: German Expressionism and The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari

I’ve been afraid of what I was becoming. I couldn’t trust myself to walk further. Time was ticking backwards telling me to stay where I was. Time said, “I’ll handle this” and I trusted it. There was shame in who I was. But now I know we’re all full of quirks; if you’re perfect than correct me, I’m wrong. As far as I know, we’re not. I’m just beginning to embrace that, if not at least I’m learning to accept it. Somehow I’ve met the spirit that is willing and I feel like I know something I can never explain. Like a drop of water on a hot summer day, I like to believe it’s been absorbed to keep me; right in my skin.

I’ll be back.

Somewhere in time, between sunrise and right now I’ve realized that too much inspiration can lead to brain and ball freeze, if I had any, therefore causing no productivity whatsoever. So, I have decided to go on a successful tech diet. The success of it is merely a prediction which I cannot bet any amount on.

Here’s a goodbye for now.